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1.)     Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 inch = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

The other day, I was walking around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

 


2.)    Things mom would never say:

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

 

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