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1.)   REMARKS NEVER HEARD AT THE DAYTONA 500


-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.

-- None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.

-- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!

-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!

-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.

-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.

-- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.

-- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.

-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.

-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.

-- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.

-- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

 

2.)   NATCHITOCHES

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

 

3.)   BUS STOP CONFUSION

Two blondes wait at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver says, "No, I'm sorry."

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

 

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