1.) Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare
one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in
nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old
gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join
him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far,
but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached
the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a
large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and
the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground
not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine
tree was only three feet tall."
2.) The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law
does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to
extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people
you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in
the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against
you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent
-- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.