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 As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting
how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved,
winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my f-ing bike.


Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!


The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".


VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD
entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

 

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