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1.) The Wife

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' I said, ''Dust!''
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.''
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.''
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.''
* A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
* The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.''
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

2.) Farts

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted

 at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

3.) My Dog Don't Bite

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."


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