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1.)  Rules To Consider

1. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

2. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

3. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

4. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

5. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

6. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

7. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

8. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

9. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

10. You should not confuse your career with your life.

11. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

12. Never lick a steak knife.
13. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

14. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

15. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

16. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

17. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

18. Your friends love you anyway.

19. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 

2.)    Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient
kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining
that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales guy had told me last year.... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally Just hung up. 
He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb! 


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