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1.)  Wedding Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. 
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." 
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.


2.)  "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
~ Dave Howel

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells! ls. But naturally, it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.



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