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It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

 

The Kindly Lawyer

A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo one day
when he noticed two men at the side of the road eating
grass. He told the driver to pull over and got out to
investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first
man.
"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man said.
"Bring them along," replied the lawyer. "And what about
you?" he asked, turning to the other man.
"I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered,
with his head hung low.
"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families
climbed into his limo and stared at him with gratitude.
"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you.

"No problem," the lawyer replied. "The grass at my house is
almost a foot tall!"

 

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