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To: Tech Support
RE: Your program titled "Husband 1.0"

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many
other valuable programs such as Dinner-Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3 and
Opera-Ballet Night 6.1 and installs new and undesirable programs such as
PokerNight 1.3, ESPN 3.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5 Conversation
8.0 runs only intermittently and invariable crashes the system. Under no
circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 6.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. It
will occasionally run CarWash 1.0, but only after running Nagging 5.3, and
this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help
please?!?!?!

Signed,
Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about , but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package, while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by it's
creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge
Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not
designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would only
cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 and nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are
common, and should be expected from Husband 1.0. In desperation to play
some of the "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to
work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 of Husband
2.0. BEWARE: these women end up with more problems than encountered with
Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak
1.3. I highly recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of
this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of the root
cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and FlowersChocolate 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create
additional and more serious GPF's. and ultimately YOU may have to give a
C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal
operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a VERY BAD program that causes
Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are
very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this Tech Tip!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to
improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and
Patience 4.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help Husband
1.0 running smoothly. After a few years of use, Husband 1.0 will become
familiar to you and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION:
DO NOT under ANY circumstances install MotherInLaw 1.0!!! This is not a
supported applicaiton and will cause selective shutdown of the operation
system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 8.4 and Hunting 5.2 until
MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in the coming years. We
trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,

Tech Support
 

 

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