1).

More JokesIdiots

MICHIGAN IDIOT
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at
8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.

KENTUCKY IDIOTS
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel
off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home...with the chain still attached to the machine.
...with their bumper still attached to the chain.
...with their vehicle's license plate still attached
to the bumper.

LOUISIANA IDIOT
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened
the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.00. [If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a
crime committed?]

ARKANSAS IDIOT
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

NEW YORK IDIOT
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him
in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was
then taken out of the car and told to stand there for
a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

WASHINGTON IDIOT
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than
he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find
an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his
hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The
owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

2).

From Andy Rooney

On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." 

On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. 

On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? 

On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. 

On Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..." 

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. 

On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. 

On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. 

On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood." 

On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."