1.) A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's
a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
2.) An English Professor was lecturing to his students about the similarities between languages. He noted that in his studies of languages, he found that most every language that had a double negative, it really meant a positive. He went on to say that in none of the languages did a double positive mean a negative.
Moments after pointing this language commonalty out, a student in the back of the room replied, "Yea, right."
3.) There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So, he goes to the pet
shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the
"Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So, the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself.
A week or so later, they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy inquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet. The parrot owner says, "The parrot's dead." Pet shop guy says, "I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?"
Ex-parrot owner says "Heck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!"
4.) What the new job-lingo really means.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED": Female Applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told
the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE":
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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