Star Trek meets Microsoft

 

Picard: 
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding 
a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their 
command pathways? 

Geordi: 
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our 
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. Geordi presses 
a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. 

Riker [puzzled] 
What the hell is Microsoft? 

Data [turns to explain] 
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason 
called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their 
root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an 
unstoppable rate. 

Picard: 
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won`t they alter their 
processing systems to increase their storage capacity? 

Data: 
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of 
itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially 
with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. 
Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none 
will be available for their normal operational functions. 

Picard: 
Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape 
idea. 

     . . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: 
Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg`s 
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available 
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the 
expected upgrade. 

Geordi: 
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU 
capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate 
for their increase. 

Picard: 
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something 
we have missed. 

Data: 
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. 
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not 
sending in their registration cards. 

Riker: 
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency 
escape sequence 3F! 

Geordi: [excited] 
Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% ! 

Picard: 
Data, what do your scanners show? 

Data: [studying displays] 
Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named 
Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity. 

Picard: 
Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their 
functionality. 

     . . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: 
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg? 

Geordi: 
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for 
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully 
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to 
transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft 
Fun-Pack. 

Picard: 
How much time will that buy us? 

Data: 
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time 
span of 6 more hours. 

Geordi: 
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector. 

Picard: 
Identify. 

Data: 
It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo... 

[over the speakers] 
This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We 
have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. 
Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds 
to comply. 

Data: 
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released 
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects. 

Picard: 
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft! 

Riker: 
My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward 
the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the 
tortures of deep space?! 

Data: 
I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer 
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by 
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing 
Armani suits. 

Riker and Picard, together [horrified] 
Lawyers!! 

Geordi: 
It can`t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into 
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening. 

Data: 
True, but appearently some must have survived. 

Riker: 
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of 
papers. 

Data: 
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often 
proves fatal. 

Riker: 
They`re tearing the Borg to pieces! 

Picard: 
Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn`t 
deserve such a gruesome death! 


Submitted by: Yoda

 

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